What is Love?
What is
love? Love is defined as a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and
solicitude toward another person. We share a special kind of love with our
parents, siblings, and family. We love our friends, or a girlfriend or
boyfriend. And we are also loved by these people. People say love lasts
forever. Some people disagree and say love fades, or if it does fade, it is
because one never really was loved. Loving someone is different than being in
love with someone. Love is complicated and simple. I don’t believe in love. I
love my family and my friends but I think love between couples is growing
extinct. Divorce rates are growing higher and higher and these days, most
people know more couples who have been divorced than couples who are still
together.
When I
was eight years old and my brother was six, my parents sat us down in the
living room to tell us they had some upsetting news. My mother had begun to
explain that her and my dad were going to get a divorce that fall. My brother
and I cried and begged them not to do it. Eventually after a few days of
discussion, they decided they would wait until we had graduated from high
school to file for the divorce. My brother and I thought that this would be the
best way to handle the situation too, but we later found out that it only
caused more problems. Kenneth A. Dodge, Ph.D. and director of the Center for
Child and Family Policy Center at Duke University in North Carolina says in “How
to Prepare Your Children for Divorce”:
One repeated mistake that many
couples make – before and during the divorce – is to continue the marriage when
there is high conflict for the sake of the children. Exposure to high marital
conflict, whether it’s verbal or physical, is a mistake, especially when you
embroil children in that conflict (94).
My parents just couldn’t live
together anymore and trying to live in misery for the sake of their kids may
not have been the best decision. I can’t remember much about my life ten years
ago when I was eight years old, but the things that affect us emotionally
always tend to stay in our memory. Over the years I’d experience fighting more
and more and as I grew older, I decided that maybe a divorce would have been
better than the fighting. Sometimes my brother and I would get in the middle of
the fights and felt like we had to choose sides. Other times we would just sit in
our rooms and pretend we didn’t notice the fighting.
I’d always hear my parents fight
and even though I didn’t understand a lot of things that they would be talking
about, I could always tell it was bad. One thing I could tell about their
fighting, was that they didn’t trust each other. As I grew older, and my family
fought and I heard what my parents would fight about, I became very
untrustworthy of them. I got scared because I felt like I couldn’t trust my own
parents. My last two years of grade school I had a lot of problems with
friendships and finding out who my real friends were and who I could trust.
Going into high school, I didn’t want to meet a lot of people and I definitely
didn’t want a boyfriend.
Once I
entered high school things had gotten even worse and it seemed that no one in
our house could get along with each other. Anytime we would do things as a
family, it would end in a fight. Eventually we all just minded our own business
and did our own thing. The beginning of my sophomore year in high school, my
parents had finally decided that the fighting had to end and they were going to
file for a divorce. Once again, something stood in the way. That October my
mother was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. For the obvious reason of her
being sick, the divorce was postponed. My mother was sick for year. Our family
had grown so far apart by this point that she ended up taking care of herself.
I found myself out of the house more, having my friends pick me up and take me
places or staying late after school. I couldn’t face my mom. I’m not sure if
maybe it was because we had grown apart or that any time I did try to help it just
ended in a fight.
That
November I had my first high school relationship. Kevin had his license and
usually he would take me places when I didn’t want to be home and we would hang
out at his house until I had to be back home for curfew. Eventually I got to
know his parents and brother and sister really well. The Kugler family was much
different than my family. His parents got along extremely well and it was
obvious that after 30 years of marriage they were still in love. No one ever
got in fights at their house. There were small arguments every now and then but
no yelling or screaming like I was used to at home. This was the first time in
my life I had experienced a couple who truly still loved each other and a
family who didn’t fight all the time. All my friends’ parents were still
married, but none of their families were like the Kugler’s family. Until I met
the Kugler’s I was convinced that there was no such thing as love that lasted
forever.
Things at home got worse as my mom
grew sicker and couldn’t do things around the house anymore. For a year,
everything at home was chaotic and unorganized until my mom finally beat the
cancer and was back to full health the next summer. My parents were fast to begin
the divorce. That fall my mom was searching for a house and soon moved out and
we were finally separated. At first I hated the fact that I now had two
different houses 20 minutes apart. Being a girl, I wanted all of my things in
one place but instead everything was scattered.
The
divorce was hard in the beginning because my brother and I became the
communication between our parents while everyone was trying to get settled into
a new place. To get away from all the stress I would hang out with my friends
and boyfriend a lot. Hanging out with Kevin’s family a lot always seemed to
take my mind off things. As my mom got settled into her new house and I finally
realized that the divorce was for the best, things started to get a little
better. My mom got serious with a new boyfriend who I really liked and my
parents both seemed a lot happier. They were finally able to get along with
each other now that they were in separate houses. Although it was hard for me
adjust to living in two houses I was happy that we could all get along.
Usually
when people hear the word divorce they think of it as something bad, which I
agree. But I also think it can be good. My parents just didn’t work out as a
couple living together. But now that they can live separately and still be good
parents to their kids, they are happy. Although divorce has its positives, it
also has its fair share of negatives. Sometimes I wish I could just have a
happy family living together in one house. I hate driving between two houses
and trying to spend equal time with both parents. I also found out the hard way
that divorces are very expensive. My family has never had money issues but once
they realized they both had to pay for their own house and living expenses, we
had to be a bit smarter with our money. Although traveling between different
houses and money was hard for me, the biggest negative effect my parents’
divorce had on me, is how it has changed my views on my own personal relationships
and my future.
In the
past four years of high school, I learned a lot about trust. I met new friends
who I thought I could trust who turned into people I couldn’t trust. I realized
that just because someone says you can trust them doesn’t necessarily mean that
they are telling the truth. Now, in college, I’m convinced that you can never
fully trust anyone. Seeing how miserable my parents were for years and hearing
the things they fight about, I know that I never want to get married. Divorce
rates in the U.S. have even been high. The Centers for Disease and Control
Prevention did statistics on the rate of divorce based of the 2010-2011 census.
Provisional number of
divorces and annulments rate: United States, 2000-2011
YEAR DIVORCES
& POPULATION RATE PER 1,000 ANNULMENTS
TOTAL POPULATION
|
2011
877,000
|
246,273,366
|
3.6
|
|
2010 872,000
|
244,122,529
|
3.6
|
|
2009 840,000
|
242,610,561
|
3.5
|
|
2008 844,000
|
240,545,163
|
3.5
|
|
2007 856,000
|
238,352,850
|
3.6
|
|
2006 872,000
|
236,094,277
|
3.7
|
|
2005 847,000
|
233,495,163
|
3.6
|
|
2004 879,000
|
236,402,656
|
3.7
|
|
2003 927,000
|
243,902,090
|
3.8
|
|
2002 955,000
|
243,108,303
|
3.9
|
|
2001 940,000
|
236,416,762
|
4.0
|
|
2000 944,000
|
233,550,143
|
4.0
|
Although
the current divorce rates aren’t the highest they’ve been in the past fifteen
years, there is still a high rate of divorce among Americans. I know many
couples that are part of the high numbers of divorce and I don’t want to be one
of them. I don’t plan on getting married because I don’t want to take my
chances with divorce and I know that because my parents divorced, I am more at
risk to get divorced too. In the article “The Consequences of Divorce” Nicholas
Wolfinger, professor at University of Utah, asserts, “Additional research has
shown that children of divorce are disproportionately likely to olive with
their partner – and less likely to ever marry them. Divorce rates for people
from divorced families will never converge, they’ll come close, but most of the
time, divorce will still be hard on kids” (14).
Being around my boyfriend’s parents
over the past three years have given me a smidge of hope when it comes to
marriage. When I first met his family when I was fifteen, I was so amazed that
they got along so well and were so happy together after so many years. Not
being around a normal married happy couple for fifteen years had me convinced
that there are only a small percent of people who can be happy in a marriage. I
also don’t want to have kids. Even though it sounds foolish, I don’t think a
child should have to grow up in a family that ends up separating. I have a lot
of trust issues now and even though that has been caused from many different
experiences, the main reason was because I felt I grew up in a house of people
who lied and fought and could never be happy.
I don’t hate the fact that my
parents divorced. In fact it taught me many things about myself and I think it
made me grow up and mature a little faster. The outcome of the divorce is what
really made me see that sometimes bad things have to happen in order for
something more positive to come out of it. My parents are so much happier today
than they were five years ago. I am a lot closer with both of my parents and my
brother and my parents get along like old friends. My dad and my mom’s
boyfriend get along extremely well, we can still spend holidays together, we
all go out to dinner together, and no one has any big fights anymore. I am
happy how my family turned out to be, even though we aren’t together as a
family.
At the
beginning of this paper I talked about love. I don’t believe in love. Yes, I
love my parents and my friends and know that they love me back. I know that I
would do anything for them, as they would do the same. But I don’t believe that
between two people, it can last forever. Even though I’ve seen couples in my
life share their love forever, like my grandparents or the Kuglers, I don’t
believe in it for me. There is always someone who messes up, can’t be trusted,
or falls out of love. We even see it in TV shows and movies today, people say
they love someone but they cheat or lie. My parent’s divorce hasn’t made me
bitter, but, in my opinion, has made me smarter. I think I’ve become a tougher
and better person because I’ve seen my family struggle but end up being very
happy. I don’t want to get married and I am okay with that. People always tell
me that I’ll change my mind, but I am pretty convinced that there is no such
thing as love that lasts forever.
Works
Cited
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "National Vital Statistics System." Centers for Disease
and Control Prevention, 19 Feb. 2013. Web. 7 Dec. 2013.
Dazelemtso, Peter. “The
Consequences of Divorce” American
Demographics Oct. 1999: 14. Print.
Henderson, Shirley. “How to
Prepare Your Children for Divorce.” Ebony
Jan. 2006: 92-94. Print.
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