Tyler Janis
English 1510
Final Essay
12-10-13
My
inner Geek.
One
morning many years ago I awoke later than I usually would for school.
On this particular day I wasn't actually going to school. I had a
very important doctor appointment to attend. I believe that I was in
second grade at this time. My mother and I drove around an hour to
see a child psychologist whom I had the appointment with. I was
excited, elated to be skipping school with my mothers permission. I
was daydreaming of getting home and playing my Gamecube which I was
so fond of. I recall being in an office alone with the doctor. She
was very nice and even gave me a toy to play with. There were many
other multicolored vibrant toys on shelves on the wall adjacent to
myself, juxtaposed the white background behind them. The nice lady
was asking me many questions, about things in my life, how I was
feeling. I even solved a few puzzles and had some candy. This was my
new favorite kind of doctor. I later learned that this was the day I
was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, one of
the most common disorders in children that can continue into
adulthood (NIMH).
I never
really liked school, I hated it actually. Everything about it,
homework, teachers, class. I just never seemed to get what they were
talking about. How is it my fault I don't understand this math
problem? Aren't you supposed to teach me how to do it? I vividly
remember thinking this, while staring out the window no less. This
wasn't something that my parents just did nothing for, they were very
helpful in every way. However, giving adderall, an amphetamine used
to treat ADHD (DRUGS), to an 8 year old was not the best idea but
they had the best intentions. Adderall took away my desire to eat my
favorite foods and the school took away my friends. I was placed, by
intervention of the public school district, in special education for
math and English. I had to just walk out of the classroom and go into
the room with the kids who I couldn’t even have a conversation
with. Yes I know what the letter “A” looks like, can I go outside
now? All I wanted to do is play. I never really understood why I was
placed in this situation and why I had to take the pills that took
away my hunger and made me feel funny. This went on until the fourth
grade, my parents decided it was best to send me to a private school.
I felt like I was never going to see my friends again. I thought that
my world was ending.
The
banner read “Lawrence School,” It was green and silver with very
fancy text and a big L on a shield marked with the same colors. It
was my first day in this new place. Although it was not my first time
going to the school. The year previously I had toured the school for
a day, I was so angry. I hated the place, no friends, nothing was
familiar. But something seemed very different, I felt like I was part
of the crowd. Not some kind of retarded outcast who couldn’t even
solve a math problem. It was like I was going to a normal school,
just like a normal kid. I quickly began to warm up to the school, or
at least as much as a kid in school can, and made new friends. But
something did stay with me when I left public school. My closest
friend who never passed judgment on me, accepting me for who I was
and realizing that I wasn't as different as most people thought.
Luke is
something else. We were the classic trouble-making pair that always
got into some goofy situation. I remember the day we met vividly.
“Hey, wanna be friends?” “Yup!” Believe it or not, that
actually is word for word what started our friendship that still
lasts even today. I will always consider him family because of how
loyal of a friend he has been. Even when I told him that my parents
were making me switch schools, he was not really that upset because
we both knew that besides eating lunch together, not much at all
would change. We would still hang out almost ever weekend, and play
video games until six in the morning. So begins my realization of
geekdom.
Videogames
have always had a somewhat prominent place in my life. It could be a
Gameboy, Nintendo, Xbox or even the glorious pc gaming master race. I
think that if Luke had not introduced me to the vast world of
videogames beyond the few that I owned. Maybe it was all the
insecurity I had in real life that pulled me into the game so much,
or maybe it was driving a Lamborghini any time I wanted to all while
running from the police. Regardless of the original cause, it was a
hobby that was never going to die. My bulky laptop is a testament to
this, an entire summer spent saving for this piece of machinery that
would be play almost every game on the absolute highest graphical
settings. Truly a gamers paradise, or a geeks paradise.
Even
before I began associating myself with being a geek I always knew I
wasn't part of the “In crowd.” Still at my small private school
there was always a group of friends that was thought to be the cool
kids. Suffice to say I was not part of them. I hung out with the
goofy people that didn't really seem to fit in. In retrospect I find
it somewhat Ironic that a school meant to harbor pupils with learning
disabilities would still have small cliques that passive-aggressively
shut people out. There wasn't really a tension through, certain
people just seemed to gravitate to each other. Unfortunately life is
not like a video game and I cannot get a cool kid powerup, I was
stuck in social limbo.
As my
peers and I matured we all seemed to mesh together. Because the
school was so small, we all became friends. Then we went to middle
school. I was slammed right back into the same social limbo as
before, just this time the cliques were much more pronounced. The
people who ate lunch together rarely strayed from their tables.
During this period of time I felt the need to express my feelings, my
emotions. My 8th grade year was very, well, emo. I only
wore black, my hair was less flowy and more flippy. Eyeliner may or
may not have been involved during this time, I'll just leave it at
that. Although this even further distanced me from the male peers in
my grade, the girls loved the sensitive guy. I honestly had no
complaints. But there is meaning to this. The separation from my male
peers made me feel like I didn't belong, like I was some kind of
nerd. This was about the time my classmates learned about my
abilities with computers so that didn't exactly help my feeling
accepted by the guys in my grade.
By the
time high school rolled around I had moved on and actually began to
form my own identity as an individual. It was around this time when I
received an Xbox as a birthday gift. This was the fist time I had a
system that was not a Nintendo, which at that time did not appeal to
me. I was immediately immersed in a wold of digital violence and
adventure and it was incredible. My friends and I would do almost
nothing but play online games after school let out. I can honestly
say this really gave me new found respect for videogames. I truly
will never forget how much fun my friends and I had doing something
that made me feel different. For the first time, I liked the idea of
being a geek.
My geeky
hobbies were not limited to videogames in any means. The biggest so
far was traditional archery.
I started shooting a recurve bow when I
was in 8th grade and continue to this day. I like to think
that I have improved a great deal since then but regardless of
improvements I love the sport. Photography has also been a hobby of
mine for a few years now. I never took any classes or had any kind of
super expensive DSLR camera with a collection of lenses or anything,
just a point and shoot with manual adjustment settings. I found that
photography was a fantastic outlet for myself. Videogames and Archery
are wonderful recreations that I still love but the creativity and
imagination that are involved with photography, capturing a moment in
time and preserving it forever is something truly beautiful.
©
Radioactive Photography – Tyler Janis
I have
come to realize that there is no predetermined self. As you grow, you
choose who you want to become. People around you and the things you
do no doubt influence you but when it comes down to it, it's just
you. You who has the power to choose what you are going to become.
The unfortunate part of this situation is that most people, myself
included, do not realize this until they have already chosen a path.
Admittedly I do enjoy the person I have grown to be. I have truly
embraced myself, and my inner geek.
Works
Cited
"Adderall."
Information from Drugs.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 Dec. 2013
National
Institute of Medical Health. "Attention Deficit Hyperactivity
Disorder (ADHD)." Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
(ADHD). National Institute of Medical Health, n.d. Web.
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