My Serenity first draft Sam Jones

Religion has never been forced upon me; in fact it is quite the opposite, no one ever really discussed the topic with me simply because my family not very religious. Because of this I can’t really explain why religion has bothered me so much in my life. It is this recurring theme that spirals me into a frenzy of emotions until I eventually break down into hysteria. A cascade of questions and confusion used to draw me back to the contemplation of god like a moth to the lamp post, each time taking me down a path of self-examination until ultimately after making so many mistakes I became spiritually satisfied and surrendered to an understanding that was perfect for me as an individual, but it took a long time and plenty of pain to figure out my serenity.

I think that in the early stages of mankind’s development religion were extremely important and largely served two purposes; the first was to explain how the world worked, what are the stars, where did we come from. More importantly it satisfied confusion unique to humans about our mortality and what would happen after death. Today science satisfies all but one of those categories we still don’t know what awaits each and every one of us at the end of our lives, however the facts that we have discovered often conflict with religious historical texts and this caused a great deal of confusion for me. It prompted an internal war of Faith vs. Fact.

I have always said “if you want to understand the Bible, don’t read the Bible… It will only confuse the hell out of you. Instead read the Chronicles of Narnia.” The author C.S. Lewis has a genius way of explaining the Bible through his books of tightly woven metaphors. My biggest issue with the Bible is that people declare it is fact and everything said happened, however today the majority of people are very scientific thinkers; they want to see proof and know how everything functions. I am one of these people and if you tell me Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt, I’m going to be a little skeptical. But the Chronicles of Narnia are different, the reader already knows the stories are fiction and this allows their mind to open up to more than just the story but the lesson imbedded within. The most impacting segment of these books is the very end of the last book (The Last Battle).

Narnia is at war and the two countries have their separate gods; Aslan representing God and the opposing country’s god is the Devil, A.K.A Tash. The entire war represents the rapture and everyone promptly dies and is sorted out by Aslan, but while in ‘heaven’ the Pevensie children see a young man from the opposing army who believed in Tash and they ask Alan why he was not rejected. This is the moment I think every human in the planet should read because it was the most profound contribution to my spiritual life. Aslan explains that yes the boy worshiped Tash but in his eye that god was good and represented all the same morals as Aslan.

“[Aslan] and [Tash] are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath’s sake, it is by [Aslan] that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then though he says the name of Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted.”

Furthermore he said it does not matter by what name he is called as long as his life was a good and just, not evil and sinful, that it did not matter in what name he worshiped. This was my true moment of epiphany because it solved my largest issue with religion. I continually struggled to know if God was real or if some other religion was correct but now it didn't matter because this book cleared it all up.

Think to yourself the similarities between most religions, for the most part the god in reference is a loving and caring god void of sin. So why would he be so vain that he demands complete and utter obedience and dedication to him? So long as the beings he created and loves are happy and peaceful then what does it matter who they pray to at night? In the end they all are praying for the same things; love, and happiness and health.

At first religion was my scape goat. Anything that sparked a flare of anger or a sense of injustice was put into this nice little definable box labeled religion so that it could self-destruct. I was much younger during this chapter of my spiritual journey and it just goes to show knowledge does come with age. I remember one incidence in my adolescence that continues to inspire shame every time I happen to dwell on it.

 I was maybe in third of fourth grade when and we were going to have a field trip. Memory fails me on where we were going, but the important thing was the bus trip would be very long. So in order to prevent total anarchy and mutiny amongst the nine year olds all the teachers strongly supported that each child bring their assortment of portable video games to distract… I mean entertain them for a long trip both the kids and the chaperones were dreading. I had mixed feelings; on one hand I was afraid that if I showed up empty handed everyone would see right through me, judge me. It was disgusting the amount of dread I felt toward the moment I stepped on the bus without some annoying little toy that everyone else had. However on the other hand I had hope, albeit it misplaced hope, because I had saved up enough money from birthdays and holidays I get one as long as I could get to the store before the trip. I asked my mom, she said yes, and long story short we never got to the store. I was devastated. I hated my mother for it and ran out of the house intent on permanent exile, but only made it about a hundred feet out the door where I promptly collapsed and cursed God. you caused this and I hate you”. To pleading and bargaining - “please fix this, I’ll never ask for anything in my life again, I’ll never sin if you just give me this.” I realize now that I was addressing God more like someone might interact with the Devil. Eventually my tear soaked sobs evolved into just one word: “why”. This is a faithful word in which I all ways confide in. Why would an all loving God deprive me of something that meant so much to me? Ignorance is a word to describe this milestone in my life. I acted like the delay toward getting a toy was the death of someone I love; I felt actual grief over the denial of an object. This obviously has some disturbingly deep social implications but I would never change this moment in my life because it was the first big leap toward a spiritual tranquility that was perfect for me as an individual. I reflect on this time and feel immense shame because of the way I acted and was so quick to invest every nasty emotion into this idea of God. This repulsion of my own reaction helps me to realize that God is not something to place my blame, anger, and resentment - but exactly the opposite and I see so many people who invest their fear in God and the outcome is not healthy one. How important was that toy? Insignificant! What I couldn’t grasp for a long time is that there is no definable box when it comes to religion. No safe little spot in your heart that you can go to whenever you’re angry or sad and all the bad feelings will disappear. My ideal God is not here to privilege someone and that helped me learn how to go without, and how to accept and be okay when something didn’t go my way.

Because who else? From what I had seen, from TV or just the way people acted, God caused and controlled everything and when something bad happens you blame God. For the next two hours I cascaded down a deteriorating path with God that started with blame - “

The second purpose I think religion served was to implement a set of morals into a society that otherwise had no restrictions on behavior. An individual two thousand years ago could steal, murder, and rape with almost no repercussions; looking back at it through my eyes I think that religion was formed in place of law. Society integrated this thought that if you murder - eternal hell waits for you. It serves its purpose to promote charity and love in everybody and prevent suffering. For this reason I am glad religions have existed, but they evolved into something people try an exploit or misinterpret by causing wars and genocide in the name of their god. It is all about morals, people of faith have their commandments and Atheists have their code of ethics but as long as they don’t betray those morals I don’t think it matters for what reasons they act civil.

Perhaps everyone needs some type of faith that they can find solace in and until we do so we are incomplete