Judd's rough draft

The Ballad of Borris and Helga:

An Essay by Judd Hynes

Rough Draft

I was born on November 19^th, 1994, at 8:28 AM; my parents could have given me any name they wanted to on that day. I could have been a Tom or a Marvin, the names of my Grandfathers. I could have been Brian, like my dad. I even could have simply been Ben. But what did they name me? Judd...

My parents were young, only 21 years old at the time. They had started dating when they met in 9^th grade German class. My dad's German name was Borris, Mom's was Helga. The year was 1987. Two years before that The Breakfast Club was released, starring the one and only Judd Nelson. From what I understand, my mother had quite the celebrity crush on him at the time, and from what I've seen in pictures, my father had quite a resemblance to Mr. Nelson back in his high school days. He even had the nickname of “Judd” just for his similar features throughout school. It only makes sense that my parents hit it off so well at first.

It seems like a match made in heaven, right? Although my parents dated all throughout high school, they were just as dumb as most young lovers ever have been. According to a Harris online survey, only 10% of married couples my parent's age had met in school, divorce was likely. Nonetheless, they were married and pregnant at the age of nineteen with my older sister, Sydney, born on October 5^th, 1993. She and I were only thirteen months apart. So there they were, 21 years old with one toddler, one infant, and no college education. To be honest, I have no idea how they managed to get by for the first few years. But that's not what this story is about. Just after Christmas of 1996, my mother moved out of the house that we all lived in together. By February of 1997, the divorce was made official. I'm not entirely sure what caused it, and people often wonder why I'm not disappointed when I tell this story. They say things like, “Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.” When I was younger I had no idea why people felt sorry for me. I didn't have a bad life at all. I had no idea that “divorce” was such a dark word to people. It was a word I had been accustomed to my entire life. I knew nothing different. The simple fact is, I can't be sad about a divorce when I was too young to ever remember the marriage to begin with. People didn't always understand that. I was even able to benefit from my parents divorce.

At the beginning of my childhood I lived with my mom mostly. According to Dr. Linda Nielson's article, Shared Parenting: Facts and Fiction, people often think that kids benefit more from their mother's parenting, the father's parenting is equally beneficial, although may be a different type of parenting. However, my dad joined the U.S Marine Corps shortly after the divorce, he served for about two years I think. We didn't see him much during that time, but when he came back Sydney and I would go to our dad's every other weekend or something like that. He was busy with long hours at a job in a steel mill at the time so mom got more custody. One of the earliest memories I have is being in our backyard. I had a toy bow and arrow with a sort of plunger at the end of it. I had just met James, who would soon be my stepdad. He always enjoyed bow hunting and he taught me the most efficient way of shooting my plunger bow. He married my mother in August of 1999, I hadn't even turned five years old yet.

Around the same time I remember going to my dad's and meeting someone named Sharon. One of her nephews, Kyle, was turning 4 years old, my age, and we went to his birthday party. I met nearly all of Sharon's family. I had never met Kyle before going to his birthday party, but we became pretty good friends after that. Everyone there was really nice to me too. Now, I call those people my family. Sharon and my dad got married in April of 2000, and I got a whole new family with it. I was happy.

Nowadays when I say the words “my stepdad” or “my stepmom” people sometimes give me sad looks. They'll ask things like, “Is he/she nice to you?” or “Do you get along with him/her?” Society seems to perceive step parents as being some sort of symbol of evil, probably because of what we've learned in Disney movies like Cinderella. The truth is, I didn't always get along with my step parents, and no, they weren't always nice to me. But I could say the exact same thing about my biological parents. I've had four parents my whole life, with neither one having any precedence over the other three. That's just how I see it. Some don't always understand it, but all I can say is this. Four parents are better than two, or one, or even none at all. I'm thankful for the way I was able to grow up.

Skipping ahead to when I was in about sixth grade, my dad had just finished going back to community college and got an associates degree in software engineering. He was doing well for himself. My mom was looking for a new house at that time and there was an open house within her price range, right on the same street that my dad lived on. Because my dad was doing better financially than he was earlier on in my life, he had more custody over my sister and I than he did before. I had two half sisters by now as well: Casey, born Jan. 10^th 2001 from my mother and stepfather; and Mia, born Nov. 23^rd, 2005 from my father and stepmother. So now my three sisters, four parents and I all were living on the same street. I had a key to both of my houses, and when I got off my school bus I could go to whichever house I wanted to now. I had this new sense of freedom and I was only twelve years old. Throughout my whole life I had always been around Sydney. She was the only constant I had, none of my parents could even be around me all the time. Two pre-teens being around each other that much; naturally we fought all the time. Having the freedom to choose between two locations was amazing to me. I would often go to whichever house Sydney wasn't at. So, the one constant person that was always there (whether I wanted it or not) no longer had to be. Because of this, I developed a sense of independence much earlier on in life than most people. I didn't rely on anyone around me for emotional support. I guess you could simplify it as, I did my own thing from there on.

Having two different homes with two different families sometimes caused confusion. When I was younger, it was only with small, seemingly unimportant things. My mom and stepdad were more heavy-set people, in comparison to my lean skeleton like build. They would tell me, “You're too skinny. You need to eat more.” While my other set of parents were more into dieting and exercise, “You should start going to the gym and bulk up a little more” wasn't an uncommon phrase for me to hear from them. I'm glad I was able to hear two different opinions on what my body “should” or “shouldn't” look like. I was given the suggestions of eating more and working out more, neither of which I wanted to do. There was never a problem until they pointed it out. That's when I realized that it didn't matter what they wanted, or anyone else. All I needed was to be content with myself. I grew up with no insecurities, all because of my parental situation. This same situation that society sees as being a bad way for a child to grow up.

A similar circumstance took place when I was in high school. I got a car for Christmas my sophomore year and got my driver's license the following February. My dad moved about forty five minutes away to a really big house with five acres of land a few months later that year. But since I had a car, I could still go to which ever house I wanted, I just had to pay for the gas. So naturally, I started staying at my mom's more often. This uneven distribution of my time caused a lot of conflict between my parents and I. My dad paid for a lot of things in my life. I was involved in a lot of extracurricular music programs in school that my dad helped out with a lot, bought instruments for me, and really supported me. He saw it as unfair that I didn't make an effort to come see him. My mom said that he was the one who decided to move forty five minutes away from the school I went to, the rest of my family, my friends, and all my activities. It shouldn't be my responsibility to drive 27 miles to school every day. Both parents had good points and I understood both sides, but they both wanted me as much as possible. I came to the conclusion on my own that the only fair thing to do was to divide up my time as evenly as I possibly could. It seemed the only fair thing to do and I think everyone was pretty happy with the resolution. The point I'm making is that my situation with divorced parents taught me to think for myself in life. I learned to have a mind of my own, and that even though my parents have told me something doesn't mean it's true or rational. My parents were normal people who made mistakes, just like everyone else, and I was able to learn from that and appreciate it. That's not something all kids get.

Even into adulthood I've been able to benefit from the separation of my parents. All my friends were getting very sentimental and bittersweet feelings when it came time to move in to college, understandably. For me, I never had one permanent home. Coming from two different homes, both of which moved several times, living in one place for four years seemed like a relief to me. Sure, I would miss everyone, but with today's technology keeping in touch long distance is easy, and I'm only three hours away. I was a lot of change, but what was difficult for some kids, was made very easy for me, and I feel that I will continue to gain from my way of growing up for probably the rest of my life.

Upon beginning this essay, called my mom and asked her for the dates he she and my dad got separated, divorced, etc. She told me that her mom, (my grandmother) was working as a secretary for a divorce law firm at the time, and it was able to go through in less than three months, much quicker than average. She often wondered what could have happened had it taken the usual time for the divorce to be finalized. They could have worked out whatever problems they had, moved back in together, prevented dad from joining the military; possibilities are endless. My mother described all this as “water under the bridge” and to me, that's exactly what it is. With my parents divorced, I gained two entire new families from my step-parents, a sense of self-security, and a sense of independence; thinking for myself. I wouldn't have it any other way than that. Society perceives divorce as being “bad” or “unfortunate.” From my experience, the result was much better than how other people see it, and I think it's in fact a good thing. If my parents had attempted to live together for our sake, we would have been around constant fighting. There's nothing sad about people who can no longer stand each other, not having to put up with it anymore. In an article, Is Divorce Bad for Children, in an online journal Scientific American, Only a small percentage of kids suffer serious problems from divorce, and there are 1.5 million children growing up in the U.S. with shared parenting situations. I think my parents made the right choice and today's overall perception of divorce is wrong. My parents' real names are Brian and Dawn.